


This Is My Rubik's Cube

by cloudsarefluffy



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst with a Happy Ending, Complete, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Sex, Emotionally Repressed, Established Relationship, Fluff and Humor, Inappropriate Humor, M/M, No Sex, POV Steve Rogers, Past Abuse, Pre-Serum Steve Rogers, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Worth Issues, Songfic, Steve Feels, Steve Rogers Feels, Steve Rogers Gets Buff, The Author Regrets Nothing, Tony Stark Has A Heart, Touch-Starved, Triggers, Twisted and Fluffy Feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-10
Updated: 2014-06-10
Packaged: 2018-01-26 07:55:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,136
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1680611
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cloudsarefluffy/pseuds/cloudsarefluffy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They’re polar opposites in every sense of the term. Like the sun or the moon- hot or cold- up or down. They come from different beginnings, from different intermissions, from different ends of the spectrum- and somehow, against all odds, they managed to meet in the middle.</p>
            </blockquote>





	This Is My Rubik's Cube

**Author's Note:**

  * For [mothergoosegrim](https://archiveofourown.org/users/mothergoosegrim/gifts).



> I normally don't do Stony fic- but seeing as my friend needed a boost at the moment, I decided to give her a fic to cheer her up.
> 
> Also- since I'm not really in depth with this verse, I don't really have any idea who could have been Steve's boyfriend from the past, so you can fill in the blank with your NOTP or with a character you already hate. Sorry about that.
> 
> This fic is centered around this song, I suppose- and if you want, you can listen to it while the touching happens.
> 
> Sorry if there are any errors- this isn't beta read and some might have slipped past me.
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2TigHAH3oKA (Rubik's Cube - Athlete)

 

* * *

 

 

  ****

“ _Hey baby, you ready for tonight?”_  Tony quips through the phone, and even without seeing his face, Steve knows that he’s smirking like always, “ _I’m super excited for our anniversary. I’ve got some pretty cool shit planned for us._ ”

Steve lets his gaze fall over his yard- the grass looks like it was cut unevenly even from here- “Like what? Should I go ahead and call the police to tell them you’re going to be prowling the streets tonight?”

“ _Psh- like they can do anything. I’m an unstoppable machine… especially in bed-”_

“Tony, please.” Steve chuckles lightly, but the sound seems empty, “You know how I feel about that kinda thing…”

There’s a huff of breath, “ _Yeah, I know. Mr PG over here…_ ”

Steve pulls his legs up to his chest, “You make it sound like a bad thing.”

“ _It’s not… I mean, yeah- it’s a little strain and all. My balls are bluer than a tardis, but… hey- if it’s so you’re comfortable, then I’m okay with it._ ”

“Tony…” Steve looks over his knees to stare at his toes uneasily, “You don’t have to keep yourself reigned in… If you need help, then I-”

“ _No, I’m not going to take advantage of your good graces, Steve. I’m not an asshat._ ” Tony sighs over the line, and Steve can imagine a clear image of his boyfriend’s fingers running through his slicked back hair as if he was in the room with him, “ _I can keep it in my pants just fine, because I’m not going to hump everything because sex makes you uneasy and that causes my systems to get backed up a lil’ bit._ ”

Steve worries his bottom lip, shuffling on top of his blankets, “But you sound so unhappy… I’m mean- surely you’d want to leave me by now for someone else-”

There’s the sound of Tony spitting out some drink, and he sputters for a moment as Steve listens with concern to the noises forming in his cellphone’s speaker, “ _Dammit- Steve-”_ Tony coughs for a few seconds, “ _I don’t wanna leave you… You’re like- the only person who’s ever been able to just… get underneath all of my bullshit. Everyone else, they get tired of me within seconds, you, however, have managed to deal with my annoying personality for over a year. That’s like- a world record or something._ ”

“I wouldn’t consider it that.”

“ _I would._ ” Tony assures, “ _I’ve pushed more people away than I have anything else. You’ve been the only person who’s pushed back. Steve, I’m not leaving you, okay? You don’t need to worry about that- it’s not happening._ ”

“I just ruined the mood for our first anniversary, didn’t I? …” Steve curls up tighter against himself, feeling regret for ever opening his mouth- only bad things ever come out- how can Tony even stand it?

Tony gets inside of his car, and waits until it’s quiet on his end of the line for him to be heard clearly, “ _Steve, don’t go blaming yourself for anything. Being concerned over something rational isn’t something to feel sorry for._ ”

Steve just sighs, closing his eyes, “Look, I’ve got to go, Tony… I have my chemistry project to edit…”

“ _My little nerd._ ” Tony says affectionately, “ _Be ready for me around six, okay?”_

“Alright… I’ll try…” Steve lies.

As his phone disconnects, Steve sets the outdated flip phone he’s had since high school down onto his desk, his forehead resting on the wood in an act of frustration and defeat. This stuff is so hard, and Tony is just not getting it. Steve understands that sometimes Tony isn’t the best when it comes to understanding how he feels.

Steve was the underdog, Tony was born on the top. Steve was lanky and like a shrimp, Tony could catch any fish in the sea with the bat of his perfect eyelashes. Steve had no money to his name until he got a job at sixteen, Tony had dough since he was conceived.

They’re polar opposites in every sense of the term. Like the sun or the moon- hot or cold- up or down. They come from different beginnings, from different intermissions, from different ends of the spectrum- and somehow, against all odds, they managed to meet in the middle. Steve supposes it’s because Tony’s last relationship ended badly, and that Steve just… _drifted._

To be honest, Steve doesn’t know how he got to that middle ground in the first place. So, it should be expected for him to not be aware as to the reason why he’s even here with Tony now. Like waves that wash up on the shore, they eventually recede back into the ocean. Just like the waves, Steve and Tony should have just washed up on that medium, then went back with the current of things to where they’d belonged. But they didn’t.

No- somehow, they met, and they remained there.

 

It was in one of the student shops for their college. Steve had been tired from staying up the night previously while overlooking notes on his chemistry project, and coffee sounded like the best idea ever known to man. It had been cold, and the weather forecast said it was going to be rainy- prompting Steve to wear his worn hoodie that always slipped past his fingertips no matter how much he attempted to shrink it in the drier. His sweats were a little worn, but they were comfortable and warm even with their age and past usage history rubbed into its strands. He had to have dark, ugly bags under his eyes, and he’s sure that he looked like a heavy drug addict starting to go cold turkey two seconds after a hit.

Of course- that’s the state Tony saw him in.

Steve had just received his glorious cup of coffee, the drink warming his fingertips nicely against the chill of the wind as he began to leave the store. However, his happiness of having his wonderful coffee was short lived from an arm knocking it out of his pitiful grasp. Steve was sure his face was something to see. Whether it be humorous or the saddest thing ever, Steve couldn’t help but gape as he watched his beloved Joe fall onto the floor.

“ _Oh- shit- I’m sorry, fuck!”_ a random voice had blurted, but Steve had been too focused on his coffee that was making a steaming puddle on the tiles below, “ _Man, I didn’t see you, shit- here. Let me pay for you to get another one, scout’s honor._ ”

Steve had blushed, of course, and held out his hands in a sign of peace, “ _No, it’s okay- I can just buy another one-”_

“ _Over my dead body, you will!”_ and that’s when Steve first looked at Tony and was practically floored by him and his perfect ‘I-need-a-moment-to-appreciate-your-genetics’ face, “ _Come on, I’ll get in line with you so I can pay._ ”

Steve was then dragged over to the line for the cafe again, and he couldn’t help but feel absolutely flustered at the time, “ _T-This is way t-too nice… You didn’t- you don’t have to-”_

But then, Tony had grinned, and the ability to speak was just ripped right out of Steve’s mind- as if, somehow, in seconds, he became as verbal as a mute- “ _You’re stuttering is absolutely adorable. I want ten of you._ ”

That only flustered Steve further, and his mouth began opening and closing like a fish out of water- and he has lungs _gosh darn it._

“ _Alright, it’s settled. I’m staying after I buy you this coffee._ ”

Steve blinked at Tony, not even being able to call him by his name at the time, “ _I d-don’t even know you…_ ”

“ _I’m Tony Stark._ ” and that smile flashed on his features once more, and Steve found his heart leaping around in his chest like hyperactive gymnast before finals, “ _And what would someone like you be called? Wait, lemme guess… Is it… Frank?”_

Steve snorted before he could help it, and that damn smile appeared on Tony’s face- the one that meant whether or not Steve’s tongue could pronounce syllables correctly and without any hesitation.

“ _Hm, so not that…_ ” something flickered in Tony’s eyes, something that made Steve furrow his brow quickly, “ _I’m guess that you’re name is… Steve._ ”

“ _How do you know?”_ Steve asked with a little frustration, “ _I could be a Greg or… or a Terry-”_

Tony had rolled his eyes and made a 'psh' noise, “ _Greg is overused and Terry just sounds… weird- for you._ ”

Steve was about to argue that his question went unanswered when his memory supplied the explanation instead- “ _Oh my God- Banner’s chemistry class. You used to sneak into it and mess with our experiments._ ”

“ _You’re partially correct._ ” they both took several steps forward in line, “ _The experiments were faulty to begin with. I just… tweaked them._ ”

“ _Yeah, how about no? I think setting fire to Bucky’s copper sulfate project was a great improvement. Besides-”_ Steve made an incredulous face, one that was sort of matching with his scoff and tone of voice, “ _that doesn’t even explain why you would know me._ ”

There was a hint of humor on Tony’s face, and he tilted his head forward, his voice had been genuine, “ _Your experiments were the only ones that were ever completely correct._ ”

“ _Should I be flattered?”_  Steve felt blush paint his cheeks- and with how pale he is, he seems like he should be a perfect canvas for this kind of thing.

Tony had just shrugged, “ _It is your pathway in college, you’re supposed to be good at it… You know- you’d think more people would be better at what they take in college…_ ”

“ _Does that little theory of yours apply to you?”_

Tony had grinned- they were second in line- “ _I suppose it should…_ ”

“ _What class are you taking?”_

“ _There’s several, actually… I want to become a psychologist._ ”

Steve couldn’t help it at the time- he burst into laughter.

Tony furrowed his brow with annoyance, and other people had begun to chuckle around them, “ _Is there something funny, Rogers?”_

“ _Uh- yeah, there is._ ” Steve couldn’t get this grin off of his face, and there was a chuckle in his voice as he spoke, “ _You’re trying to tell me that you’re going to be doing that?”_

__**  
  
**

Tony had scowled then, “ _You’re judging me._ ”

“ _Maybe._ ” Steve noticed that the woman in front of them was getting her card out, “ _Besides, it seems like you can always predict what kind of a person someone is._ ”

Tony shook his head, “ _No, that’s actually not true…_ ”

Steve looked towards Tony in genuine surprise, “ _It’s not? … How come? I thought you had some sort of radar for people… Who escaped your detector?”_

“ _You._ ” he said simply.

“ _Me?”_

Tony gave a slight smile, but he was saved from an explanation by the barista.

“ _What can I get you two?”_ she asked.

“ _Two coffees, please._ ”

Steve watched the exchange without saying anything. He was too worried over Tony and his strange actions at the time for really seeing what was about to happen. If you thought that Steve was flustered or nervous before- you’re wrong- because it’s going to be nothing compared to how he squeaked as Tony pulled him over by a the hem of his sweats.

“ _Here’s your two coffees._ ” the barista gave them a knowing smile.

“ _Thanks._ ” Tony returned the gesture, then grabbed the two drinks, “ _Come on, Stevie- we have a date to begin._ ”

Steve still doesn’t know what shade of red he must have turned, but by the chuckle of the crowd and the expression on Tony’s face, he believes it was something a little… unique- “ _A d-date? …_ ”

Tony just looked at Steve then, “ _Isn’t that what people do? They go on dates?”_

“ _I just got the impression that we… we aren’t like that…_ ” Steve had admitted, his blush probably still lingering on his cheeks to this day, “ _I mean, who decides that they’re going to go on a date with a person who spilled their coffee just a few minutes ago?”_

“ _I would do it-”_ Tony grabbed onto Steve’s lengthy sleeve, “ _if it meant I got to know you better._ ”

Steve had nearly swallowed wrong- which is weird, considering he didn’t even have any spit to swallow because of Tony flustering his saliva away- but he manages it nonetheless, “ _Y-You want to know me? … Why? Can’t you just ask someone else to do this or something? … We don’t- we don’t exactly look like the people who would see each other for more than a few seconds…_ ”

Tony just turned so Steve could see his face, and then his eyes locked on the other's, and Steve felt completely awestruck by the strength Tony’s irises gave off as he spoke, “ _The reason why I’m taking you out on a date, is because you complex me._ ”

“ _Complex you?”_

 

“ _Yes, you do._ ” Tony stated honestly, then he went on, “ _I’m the best in my psychology class. By that, I mean that I can read people like books. They’re simple, full of nothing but words and endless drawl that most don’t care for, but you…_ ” Tony’s eyes gave a flash of something- interest? confusion? - Steve still doesn’t know, “ _You’re different somehow… I can’t- I can’t just read you like the others…_ ”

Steve blinked at Tony, his voice was cautious, “ _So… if I’m not a book… that what am I?”_

“ _A Rubik’s Cube._ ” Tony declared, “ _One that I can’t quite figure out._ ”

Steve furrowed his brow, and licked his lips, “ _Wait… so I’m like a puzzle to you? Are you only trying to make me swoon so you can try to find what makes me so complex?”_

“ _I suppose you can think so- but that's not the case. Honestly, you should be flattered. I’m practically amazing at puzzles._ ”

Steve gaped at Tony then, “ _Flattered? How am I supposed to be flattered by the fact you can’t read me? Maybe I think it’s a good thing._ ”

Tony shrugged, “ _I guess it is to you… But lets worry about this later- right now, we have a date to enjoy._ ”

And that’s how, through an accidental elbow-in-the-wrong-place accident, Tony and Steve officially met. Afterwards, Tony had taken Steve all around the campus, showing him his favorite secrets spots, where to hide when you tried skipping- things along those lines. Tony had been flirting the whole time, sending winks and sky grins Steve’s way, and of course it made the smaller man feel like he was on top of the world.

Too bad that kind of thing doesn’t last for long.

Steve mopes around his dorm room, trying to figure out why he feels so off today. It’s his one year anniversary with Tony- and god dammit- he’s gonna enjoy it. However, this feeling in his chest, this sinking sensation in his gut, are making him feel like hiding in a dark hole for the rest of time. He doesn’t understand why, exactly- just that he feels that way.

Steve jumps when there’s a text on his phone, and he sees Tony’s name lighting up the screen. He supposes that Tony would be a little concerned about him, especially if he ignored his texts on a day like today, so he decides to man up and answer.

__

_Hey bby. Just got a few things done. Cant wait 2 c u._

Steve grins despite his ominous feelings, and replies with: **Me too. What kind of surprises are you planning? Should I pack something like extra clothes or a costume?**

Tony’s reply comes quickly- just like it always does: _Mayb. Though tellin u wouldnt make it a surprise would it? Just dress normally & youll b fine. I prmise._

__

**Last time you said that, you had driven us to the border of Mexico when we were drunk. I don’t want to go through another experience like that… I’m still afraid of pinatas.**

_Ok- so mayb i jump the gun sumtimes, but doesnt every1 whn the mood is right? Oh yea i remember now. That was a fun nite._

 

Steve rolls his eyes, typing: **I don’t agree. Getting chased down by border police and German Shepherds isn’t one of my fortes, especially when I KNOW you insulted them in Spanish.**

_I may hve gtten carried away w/ sum things but that is their fault 4 sayin that americans r assholes. I thought i would return the favor._

**It’s a miracle that you have gotten me or yourself murdered yet. I might need to look at classes for self-defense, or start going to the gym.**

Tony’s reply makes Steve chuckle as he reads it: _I can c it now, steve rogers- all buff n’ stuff… ud b so hot._

Steve blushes as he clears his throat- which is weird considering he’s texting to Tony rather than talking to him: **Thank you? I have no idea what I would look like… I’ve never been… “fit”, exactly…**

_Ur welcome stevie. Thn we’ll get u protein drinks & a fitness dude and we can help u get all nice n muscular. Ugh just thinkin bout u that way makes me wanna find out what Mr PG will b lik whn hes not so innocent._

**You make me feel like I’m a piece of meat, and I’m not even at that type of physique yet.**

_Thn u gotta b a fine ass steak bby cuz damn. I was wondering wht ur ass would b lik if u did squats. Steve, if theres 1 thing u can ever do 4 me, its that. PLEASE._

**Steve furrows his brow: You want me to perk up my ass cheeks for you? So you can what, stare at it all day?**

_No. So i can FEEL it all day. Ur booty is hella fine steve. With a little work it can b the best butt in all of the world. Id ride u so hard._

__

**So I’m a carnival ride now?** Steve types: **And what’s wrong with my butt now? It’s not… bad, is it? …**

Even though it’s a text, Steve can hear Tony gawk: _R u kiddin me!? Hell no steve- ur ass is the best i hve evr seen, & thats w/out anythin 2 make it perf. Ur buns r lik steel… Hmm… U could b a superhero. Butt Man._

**Oh my God. No.**

_I can c it now, flashin in lights all over the strip. “Butt Man - The Fine Booty Soldier”._

**If that’s going to be my slogan, then I’m offing myself.**

_Dont b so ridiculous. Slogans can b changed._

**Can I avoid having one?**

_No. Its mandatory. Pick 1 steve or ur gonna get 1 ur probs not gonna like._

Steve grimaces, then bites on his bottom lip as a thought booster: **Pirate… no… Captain… Uh- Captain Pineapple?**

Steve knows it’s ridiculous, but he presses send anyways.

_Oh my god. Pineapple!? CAPTAIN FUCKING PINEAPPLE!?_

Steve blushes despite himself, and angrily types back: **You asshole, it’s all my brain could come up with when it was on the spot…**

_U could of at least TRIED to make a good name 4 urself. Jesus steve wtf???_

**Pineapples are my favorite fruit. Sorry if I was being relative to my person.**

_Well a meeting has ben called- &\- oh- the nme has ben revoked. Srry steve seems lik captain pineapple is not available. Try again, and plz… No fruit._

**Fine- why don’t you come up with a name for me since my skills are apparently not good enough for you and your ideals. Go ahead, surprise me. I’ll call the president up and everything to tell him about it.**

_K smartass. Im thinkin that we try… Captain america. Cuz u got de best booty in da nation. (;_

 

**Patriotic.**

_That was the goal bby._

Steve just throws his phone after his message sends: **Whatever, I probably couldn’t make my own name if I tried. I’m taking a shower now.**

Steve heads into his bathroom, turning on the water. He sits in the shower, letting the water run over him as he pulls his legs up to his chest. Steve gets out a little while later, and he nearly jumps as he sees Tony sitting on his bed.

“You asshat!” Steve catches his towel in enough time, “You can’t just barge in on me like that!”

“Well…” Tony’s eyes roam Steve’s exposed skin hungrily, “I wanted to see the gun show.”

Steve snorts, “I hope that you’re okay with ones that shoot water or nerf things. I don’t have any muscles to fawn over.”

Tony rolls his eyes lightly, “Do you really think so low of me that you believe I’m only into physique?”

“I heard that you slept with Travis because he could bench press a couple hundred pounds.”

“So maybe it influences me a _little_ bit…” Tony sighs, “But Stevie, I’m not in this relationship for the brawn.”

Steve goes into his small closet- one that’s thankfully big enough for him to stand in as he gets dressed- “Then why are you here? Bragging rights? A bet?”

By the time Tony jumps into the small space with Steve, there’s a pair of boxers over his hips, but that doesn’t stop Steve from jumping in surprise and flushing, “Well, I’m here because like I said earlier, you’ve been the only one to tolerate my shit.”

“So because I can blow off your narcissistic tendencies, you decide to stay with me?” Steve isn’t looking at Tony- he’s frustrated and it’s apparent as he unfolds his too-big hoodie.

A hand comes to rest on top of his own, and Steve looks at Tony with a slight glare- he’s too emotionally drained to really be doing this- “Steve… stop…”

Tony sounds serious- and let’s be honest- when is Tony _ever_ serious?

“Stop what? Wondering about why you’ve stayed!? Why you want me!?” Steve hisses out quietly, and he feels like he’s lower than the wooden floorboards he’s standing on, “You just lead me on sometimes for what seems like miles, and you lie about things so much that I wonder if your name really is Tony! How am I supposed to know if you’re telling the truth, and that what this is between us isn’t some really bad fucking joke to you and everyone that sees it!?”

Tony seems taken aback slightly, something that usually doesn’t happen considering how confident he usually is. He always has some smartass retort or some witty quip that will leave you wanting to throw desks into his face that are lit on fire.

“This _isn’t_ one of those times… I promise…” Tony looks like he’s about to fall apart or something- or maybe he’s fearful that his relationship with Steve will do that instead.

“How do I know that this time is different? …” Steve asks quietly, “I heard about what you were like… They were rumors, but… I don’t- I don’t know if they were true or not…”

Tony furrows his brow, but he doesn’t defend himself or say anything.

Steve swallows, looking towards his fingers as they dance on top of one another anxiously, “I heard that you used to just fuck anyone you could, and that you went around like a chip bowl at a party and got kicks from it… I overheard people talking about how you made someone care for you, and then you just absolutely broke their hearts and moved onto the next person in line waiting for you just to do the same thing all over again like some loop… Don’t tell me I’m one of those people… please…”

“You’re not… You’re absolutely not…” Tony murmurs, cupping Steve’s face, “I know I was a major dick to people in the past, that I’ve broken more hearts than I’ve ever mended, and when it comes to treating people right- I’m probably the last person you think of who would ever do that… I’m selfish, I’m an asshole, and I should probably end up on another planet for all the pain I’ve caused- or maybe jail, too- but never, not even _once,_ have I tried to do anything like that to you…”

“So this isn’t some game you’re trying to win? …” Steve searches Tony’s eyes for something to quell his worries, “This isn’t some way for you to play me just like everyone else? …”

Tony shakes his head, his eyes never leaving Steve’s, “No… not even once have I considered that.”

Steve sighs, letting Tony hold his face gently, and he lets his eyes flutter closed, “I’m sure you’ve heard things about me too…”

“No, I haven’t… and if I did, I know they won’t be anywhere as negative like mine are…”

Steve sighs, shaking his head, “You don’t have to go defending me, I’m not perfect…”

“I believe you are…” Tony runs a few fingers through Steve’s hair, “What others say about you can’t be too bad, can it? …”

“It could be…”

Tony presses a chaste kiss on Steve’s forehead, “Can you tell me what you think they’d be about? …”

Steve lets Tony pull him close, and Steve feels comfort from the proximity, “They’re about something that happened to me…”

“Like what? …”

Steve bites his bottom lip, sighing, “I was in a relationship in high school… it… it didn’t end well.”

“How so? …”

“They were…” Steve’s mind creates the images on the backs of his eyelids, playing out the memories like some movie on a screen- “rough with me, sometimes… I wouldn’t say the right things, or I would never do things right… They took advantage of me by making me believe that I loved them, and slowly, day by day, they worsened until I found myself bloodied and beaten on floor wondering how I got there.”

Tony’s face is one of shock when Steve sees it, “I- I had no idea-”

“Most people don’t.” Steve assures, “Hell, _I_ was clueless until I ended up in the emergency room with cops asking me about what happened…”

“God, Steve, I-” Tony’s jaw hangs open, and words take a moment to form on his lips- which is like, rarer than seeing a unicorn and riding it- “fuck I’m such an idiot.”

Steve gives a small smile, “It’s alright, you didn’t know…”

Tony looks towards the carpeted floor of Steve’s closet, “Is… is this why you’re reluctant to do anything sexual?”

“Partially.” Steve admits quietly, “I’m nervous I’ll have flashbacks, or… or that you’ll see the scars…”

“Scars?” Tony whispers.

Steve nods minutely before biting his bottom lip for a minor second, “I have a few from him… I was worried that you would be suspicious or, I dunno…”

Tony gently grabs onto Steve’s hand, “Well, I can tell you now that I won’t think you’re disgusting or ugly because of them, okay? I won’t think any less of you- I won’t judge you… I’ll just think of them as battle scars or war marks…”

“So I’m like a viking now?” Steve weakly jokes.

“Yes, my lil’ viking, soldier dude…” Tony kisses Steve’s forehead softly before smiling warmly, “We won’t do anything sexual until you’re ready for it, okay? I won’t even mention it or make jokes- I swear!” Tony does a false salute, and Steve grins at him for it.

Steve holds onto Tony’s hand and brings it up to his chest, he sets the palm there and spreads out the fingers so he can intertwine them over Tony’s, “Tony…” Steve begins quietly, “I know that you want to honor me like some princess- or you think that I’m not ready now for doing something that I _want_ to do…” Steve pulls Tony closer to him, “I’m not going to let my past control me, okay? I’ve had enough of this, ‘I’m-going-to-mope-until-I-feel-okay’ phase I have, and I’m tired of ruining things like this because I can’t move forward from things I shouldn’t even worry about anymore…”

“But that isn’t something you can write off-”

“It can be, because I can choose to.” Steve says with some confidence, “Or- I can let it control me, I can lose you, I can fear any person when I go in public- I can let it dictate my life until I don’t have one anymore- and then what am I?” Steve watches as Tony’s eyes dart over his face, trying to figure him out, “I’m moving on from it, Tony. I’m not dwelling on it anymore because I’m tired of feeling like everything’s hopeless and I’m just going to get hurt… I’m tired of protecting myself from something that already happened…”

Tony moves in a few centimeters, voice quiet, “So you’re not like… going to be sad about it anymore? …”

Steve shakes his head, “It was more than just ‘being sad’, Tony. I was practically lethargic and sickly.”

“I don’t…” Tony trails off, looking like he wants to say something- but he can’t find the right words, “I don’t know what that feels like…”

“You may not.” Steve agrees, “But you won’t forget it if you do… It gets you stuck in this torrent- and all you have is the empty pit somewhere in you. Every morning you wake up and you just feel hollow, and you think that people can just see right through you… You over think about things, you feel too much, and you forget that there’s a thing called life. You see, that’s the thing about depression; you focus so much on yesterday and today, that you forget you have a tomorrow.”

Tony is speechless, but he allows Steve to guide him closer to his body.

“I want you, Tony- _dear fucking God,_ I do…” Steve rushes out, “I want your smartass quips, I want your stupid rants on whether or not poptarts are better with icing or not… I’m so fucking hopelessly in love with you, and I don’t know what I would do if you weren’t in my tomorrow, okay? I want all of it- your damn metaphors that somehow make sense, your clumsy elbows, and your dumb desire to shave your facial hair into shapes to the point I think you’ll start selling your cheeks as an advertisement space.” Tony chuckles softly, and Steve goes on, “I want to have sex with you- or at least start delving into that area with our relationship…”

Tony inches forward, his eyes trailing on Steve’s chapped lips, “So… you’re okay if I kiss you?”

“We’ve already been kissing, Tony.”

“Shush, I mean like… _really_ kissing… Tongue and everything…”

Steve reddens at the abruptness that is his boyfriend of a year- “I, uh, didn’t know that’s what you meant…”

Tony comes closer, their faces mere inches from the other’s, “What about touching your butt?”

“I guess you could…” Steve raises a brow, “I know from earlier that you’d really like to fondle it.”

“You have no idea…” Tony murmurs, and his hands roam on and squeeze Steve’s backside, and Tony groans, “ _Oh my god-_ they’re like little fucking flesh marshmallows…”

Steve pulls back and gives Tony a weird look, “Uh, can you not describe my ass as that, please?”

“Will I get to touch it _s’more?”_ Tony wiggles his eyebrows with the pun.

Steve groans, “Oh my fucking- out of all the things you could say, you decide to make a pun about my _buttcheeks?”_

Tony shrugs, “I can’t help it, it’s in my personality to do this.”

“Just… come here, you idiot.”

Tony complies, and they sit on Steve’s small bed. The mattress slightly creaks from their weight, and the blue sheets ruffle under their bodies. Tony is sitting on the bed, and his brown eyes carefully watch as Steve climbs his way onto his lap. For a moment, Steve just sits there and bites his bottom lip, trying to figure this out.

“I, uh- kind of forgot what to do…”

Tony smiles, “Can I teach you?”

Steve’s mouth pulls up at a corner, “How about you remind me? I’m not some asexual duck, you know. I’ve kissed before, I know what I’m doing.”

“Apparently you don’t.” Tony teases, and he wiggles his eyebrows.

Steve rolls his eyes lightly, “Tony, no. Look, I’m just worried and nervous because this is our first time really getting serious… Sorry if my mind kind of goes blank…”

“I’ll guide you through it, okay? I’ll show you what I like, and in turn, you can tell me what gets you going. We’ll figure it out together, okay?”

Steve nods, “O-Okay…”

Tony comes in slowly- as if the hesitation is there just in case Steve needs an out for this- and presses his mouth against Steve’s. The kiss is slow, and for a moment, Steve’s mind blanks at the sensation. Tony then bites his bottom lip, slightly tugging with his teeth as Steve drags in a long inhale.

“Good?” Tony asks after he pulls away slightly, allowing Steve to have ample time to calm his heart and lungs.

“Y-Yeah…” Steve exhales, and then decides to nose his way onto Tony’s neck, “Is this okay?”

Tony nods, and his breath hitches as Steve begins pecking the flesh with chaste kisses. He moves all around the expanse of flesh till he gets to Tony’s pulse point- and on a whim he nips the skin there.

“Okay-” Tony sighs in content, “you know what you’re doing…”

Steve pulls back, “What else do you want me to do?”

Steve shuffles slightly on his knees, causing some accidental friction between them. Tony groans slightly, and holds Steve’s arm in an attempt to ground himself.

“Is something wrong? …” Steve asks hesitantly, “I didn’t hurt you or anything, did I?”

“No-” Tony hisses, and when his gaze returns to his boyfriend, his pupils are wide and frantic, “but _oh my fuck_ do that again.”

Steve furrows his brow for a moment before shuffling slightly again, “This?”

Tony lets out a long, drawn out moan that tinges Steve’s face pink, “ _Fucking-_ Steve…” Tony holds onto Steve’s small hips, guiding them in a certain motion as he says, “Like this- _holy shit-”_

“Oh, okay. Let me make sure I’m doing this right…” Steve adjusts himself, and rolls his hips exactly like Tony maneuvered them earlier, “Is this good?”

“ _Oh god-”_ Tony throws his head back against the pillows in what seems to be sexual frustration- “the things you do to me, Rogers…”

Steve is about to reply and to move like Tony asked him to, but a tentative palm stops him for a second and Steve looks up to see Tony sitting up and staring at him, “Steve, I want you to feel good too.”

“I feel okay, Tony.”

“No, I want you to feel just as pleasured as I do.” Tony clarifies, his eyes sincere, “I want you to get just as much as I do out of this… So… What would you like me to do?”

Steve stalls on his words for a moment, and he stutters slightly as he begins to remember what he used to do before sex scared him- “I… I like having someone touch me.” as Tony begins to reach for Steve’s fly, the smaller man stops him, “No… not _there,_ Tony. I like- I like having fingertips on my skin…”

Tony nods, “Oh… okay. Uh- how do you want to do that?”

“By you taking your hand like this and setting it on my skin at an angle-” Steve begins to grab for Tony’s palm when his boyfriend stops him.

“No, Steve, that’s not exactly what I meant.” Tony says, and he smiles at Steve’s bewildered expression, “I meant, in what way will I touch you _without_ making you uncomfortable?”

Steve blinks, “I didn’t think about that.”

Tony just widens his grin, “Take my hand.”

Steve slowly reaches for Tony’s outstretched limb, and he cautiously grasps it with his own. He brings the appendage up near the hem of his hoodie, and he takes a deep breath. Carefully, he begins to guide Tony’s hand up under the obscuring fabric, the whole time with his heart beating rapidly against his ribs, and he tries to remember to breathe in and out in certain time increments just in case. Tony doesn’t move, nor does he say anything as Steve figures out how to do this- and it shows that Tony isn’t in control here, he isn’t the one who is going to be touching anything unless Steve gives his consent.

It’s enough to urge Steve onward with the process, and he finds that soon enough, Tony’s palm and fingers are spread out and placed on his chest. Steve breathes in deeply, feeling Tony’s hand against his skin for the first time in his life, and he tries not to weep from the pleasure he gets from the simplicity of the touch.

“Okay?” Tony asks.

“Okay…” Steve exhales, “I’m okay…Y-You can move your hand…”

“Are you sure?”

Steve manages to nod, and he feels Tony’s fingertips gently stir against the skin that’s strewn over his ribs and racing heart- and the feathery touches explore inches of skin as Steve closes his eyes to just feel every minuscule shift in Tony’s hand.

“You’re soft and warm…” Tony murmurs, and Steve holds back a noise in his throat as Tony’s hand moves a little lower to go explore the flat expanse of his abdomen.

Tony’s hand is never too much as it ghosts over Steve’s flesh. It’s gentle, hesitant- because Tony wants Steve to feel comfortable while he tries to reconnect with a part of himself that he walled of some time ago. It’s working, at least, and Steve tries to retain composure as the fingertips begin to softly rub over the curve of his hips.

“This isn’t bothering you, is it?”

Steve adamantly shakes his head- feeling the exact opposite of what Tony expects of him. It’s like having part of his soul reconnected, like having the final puzzle piece set into place after looking through box countless times to see if you left it behind. It’s like walking on the beach when the waves come up to your legs, and you can feel the ocean reclaim bits of its sandy floor from underneath your toes with each step you take; only to whisk away your footprints and take them out to sea, making the shore pristine again like some renewal. It’s like settling your muscles when they burn in protest from having to keep pushing when all you wanted was rest, or getting the satisfaction of waking up in the morning and knowing that the next couple of hours will bring to you everything you’ve ever could have wanted.

To Steve, Tony’s hands are not a bad thing. They are not mistakes, or something that will turn into a regret when Steve stares at his ceiling tonight and thinks about his choices in life. They are like the oxygen Steve’s been deprived of for so fucking _long…_ and it’s a relief.

Before he knows it, tears stream down Steve’s face, and Tony immediately removes his hand and rushes to become a shoulder for his boyfriend, “Oh my god, I’m so sorry! I thought you were okay- _shit_ I’m so fucking sorry-”

“N-No, s’not that…” Steve sobs, “I just… I’ve never felt s-so _complete_ in so long…”

Tony blanks- this is obviously something he was not expecting- “What? …”

“God fucking dammit, Tony!” Steve hisses, and he pulls their faces together as he cries, “It’s not about the touching- it’s not about the sex- fuck, it isn’t even about the anniversary, okay?” Steve looks into Tony’s confused irises and keeps on pouring his heart out to the man who irrevocably stole it away- “Never, in my life have I ever felt so damn happy. Not even with that dick from before, not even when I was by myself. I never wanted to get this close to someone after the first time, and I just… I forgot just how much it hurt to keep myself locked away… It’s been so long since I felt this damn happy to just be _touched,_ okay?”

“But-”

“You called me your Rubik’s Cube, right? …” Tony’s eyes widen in surprise, “You called me the _one_ person- the _one_ thing you could never figure out, right?”

Tony nods, “Yeah… why?”

“Because I just think you solved me…” Steve gives a laugh that mixes in with a sob, “I don’t know how- I don’t know why- but you did…”

Tony smiles partially, and it’s one of those that makes Steve’s heart sing and causes blood to roar in his ears, “I did?”

Steve nods and breathes out roughly, “I didn’t know what you meant by it when we met, and I just thought it was some ridiculous quip thing of yours that never really made sense… But I get it now… The reason you couldn’t figure me out was because I was missing a piece…”

“And what was that? …” Tony’s eyes search through Steve’s as if his irises held the answer- maybe they do, but as a reflection.

“ _You…_ ” Steve gives a sad smile, “The thing I was missing, was _you…_ ”

“ _I_ solved you?” Tony’s eyebrows raise in surprise, “It was what kept me from reading you?”

Steve smiles, “Tony Stark, you idiot… You can’t read yourself.”

Tony is about to retort, but his mouth closes, and he pauses for a moment to think- “What if I have a mirror?”

“You’re hopeless.” Steve kisses him seriously, “But then again, so was I.”

“But you’re not anymore, right? …”

“Of course not.” Steve assures, “I have you now.”

Tony grins, “Good, because you’re now officially stuck with me, Rogers. _Allons-y!”_

Steve laughs heavily as Tony presses up against his lips with a wide smile.

 

**-X-**

 

“Captain America, I’m home!” Tony calls out, shoving his keys into his pockets, “I wanna see how the squat workout changed your flesh marshmallows!”

There’s a groan from the back bedroom, but Steve comes out nonetheless. When he does, Tony’s jaw drops. He has to admit- if he thought Steve was hot before… _fucking Christ_ he’s going to be a horny dead man now.

Steve stands in the beginning of the hallway, sweaty and shirtless. He’s height jumped by several feet (Tony used to be just as tall as him, but now Steve _dwarfs_ him) once Tony suggested protein drinks and vitamins. It only helped Steve when he started working out- because in a few months of simple push-ups and running, Steve has become like a fucking sports catalog model. Right now though, while standing there all of his sex-god glory with his slicked skin exposed to Tony’s hungry eyes, he looks like a god damn porn star.

“Okay- that’s it. I’m keeping my promise.”

Steve furrows a brow, “What do you-”

Tony rushes over and grasps onto Steve’s hand, practically dragging him into the bedroom, “I’m _riding_ your ass today- alright?”

Steve laughs again, but he doesn’t object as Tony slams their bedroom door shut.

**  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
**


End file.
